


next thing we're touching

by thekaidonovskys



Series: Becoming Three [4]
Category: Pacific Rim (2013)
Genre: M/M, Multi, Panic Attacks, Past Rape/Non-con, Polyamory, Safeword Use, Sexual Content, sexual discussion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-27
Updated: 2014-07-27
Packaged: 2018-02-10 15:31:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,818
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2030400
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thekaidonovskys/pseuds/thekaidonovskys
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>And sure, maybe he still struggles to talk about some things and won’t talk about others unless he has to, and yeah, okay, they’re all to do with sex, but that’s okay. He knows confidence in the bedroom is going to take a bit of time, but he’s prepared to start working towards it. And the sooner the better.</p>
            </blockquote>





	next thing we're touching

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted by Tumblr user thekaidonovskys

Some hurdles are bigger than others. But all are worth the leap. 

***

He’s confident, that’s the thing. 

Tendo Choi of the Shatterdome was nothing if not a flirt and a charmer. Tendo Choi of Geneva, partner of Hermann and Newt, as he leaves the events of a year ago behind him (never gone, but far enough away that the sting is fading), is finding those aspects returning. He can flirt again - but only with his partners, of course - and is slowly learning how to elicit blushes out of each of the two on a daily basis. It’s  _fun_ , and it’s building up his confidence and if it means he gets to cheekily flirt with Hermann quite constantly then so be it. 

(Because Newt’s familiar to his game and Tendo knows how to crack him, but Hermann is just a soft touch and gets so beautifully flustered by just about anything that Tendo can’t resist.)

And sure, maybe he still struggles to talk about some things and  _won’t_ talk about others unless he has to, and yeah, okay, they’re all to do with sex, but that’s okay. He knows confidence in the bedroom is going to take a bit of time, but he’s prepared to start working towards it. And the sooner the better.

He’s not trying to get back to who he was, but simply bring those best parts of himself forward into the person he’s become. 

***

“Can we talk about sex?” Tendo asks one night.

Hermann and Newt look at one another. “We weren’t going to go there until we were ready -“ Newt begins.

“I know, but think about it.  _When we’re ready_  probably means we’re already in the mood and the last thing we’ll actually want to do is stop and discuss it. And I want to talk about other things too, not just about my limitations, but you two. What you like and want and - and possibly, to build up confidence and get an idea of things… whether I could watch?”

He struggled to get the last bit out, but it’s worth it from the twin looks of delight he gets. “You  _absolutely_ can,” Newt says, Hermann nodding. “We’ve wanted to bring you in in some way for awhile now and we wondered whether that would work.”

“I think so. Though there are some things… I’m not gonna ask you to change your sex lives or anything, but -“

“Start slow?” Hermann asks, and Tendo nods. “We can certainly do that. But before we do anything at all, we need to have a few discussions.”

“I know. And I think you already know but it’s worth mentioning that there are some things I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to do. But other than that… well, I guess it’s one step at a time. If it’s too much hard work -“

“You’re worth it, sweetheart,” Hermann says. “Neither of us are exactly nymphomaniacs, and there will certainly be no pressure on you to do anything you don’t want. And remember, sex is not a defining factor in this relationship. Give us a few days to sort out what we need to know, and then we’ll start discussing it, okay?”

“Okay. And just remember - I’m not gonna break. If you need me to talk about what happened, I can do it. Maybe not in great detail and not without a lot of stammering and possibly some crying but if it means it’s going to bring our relationship forward and help me heal some more, then I’m gonna do it.”

Newt kisses him. “We know how strong you are,” he says. “If we avoid things, it’s to spare you pain, not because we think you can’t handle it.”

“I know, and I’m grateful for it. But if it does have to be discussed, I’m ready.”

Hermann clears his throat. “You mentioned that  _when we’re ready_ probably means being in the mood… does this mean you are starting to feel close to that point?”

Tendo smiles then, in an act he remembers all too well from his Shatterdome days, lets his eyes rake up and down Hermann, before doing the same to Newt (who just rolls his eyes, having seen that particular move before). “With partners like you two?  _Hell_  yes.”

Hermann makes an undignified squeak, promptly goes bright red, and Tendo has to kiss him. 

***

They begin three days later. 

“Let’s start with talking about what you do like.”

Tendo clears his throat nervously. “See… um, I’m not even sure on that anymore.”

“Okay, let’s change that to things that you don’t automatically panic upon thinking about doing.”

“Yeah, that’s a bit easier,” Tendo says, smiling a little. “So do you just want me to… to start listing things off or - oh. Of course you have a  _list_.”

Hermann smiles as he sets it on the table. “We wanted this to run as smoothly as possible. I also didn’t want to start talking about things and inadvertently say something to upset you; I hoped reading things would be less potentially triggering.”

“And we want a copy,” Newt adds. “It’s a good reference point.”

“It’s going to be very clinical,” Hermann says. “We’re starting from the stage just after kissing, essentially where we’re at now, leading right through to sex. And if you don’t want to explain why something’s a no, you absolutely don’t have to. And if you’re not sure, just say so. And if we trigger something, we’ll stop immediately.”

Tendo nods. “Okay.”

He slowly runs his eyes down the page, taking in all the words. As Hermann said, it’s definitely clinical, and Tendo has to stifle a laugh at some of the wording. “I know,” Hermann says, sounding amused. “Better to be safe than sorry, though.”

Tendo picks up the pen and makes a few check marks - because some things are easy, some things he’s already started thinking about on the nights when Hermann and Newt (ever so politely and considerately, always) ask for some time to have the bedroom to themselves, and wondering what it would be like with them. There’s one that he can’t resist double checking and Newt, peeking at the page, fist pumps. “Okay, so that’s your domain then?” Tendo asks, smiling.

“Uh-huh. Hermann doesn’t like being marked at all and he thinks hickeys are for teenagers, and I’m looking forward to that a  _lot_.”

“Easy, love,” Hermann says with a laugh, drawing him back. “Plenty of time for that later, let Tendo finish the page.”

Tendo gets back to it, but his smile keeps fading as he keeps getting further down the list, because words are jumping out at him that before all of this he would have enjoyed, loved even, and now he’s feeling like he’d rather crawl out of his skin than do any of them. “So if I don’t check something off,” he begins, then pauses. “Can I indicate the things I know I used to like but I don’t think I’m ready for yet?”

“Of course. Do whatever you like to help us get a clear picture.”

A little more relieved, Tendo puts in a few question marks, crosses out some things that he’s never been into, then chokes over one of the words. “Okay,” he begins tentatively. “Who’s into snowballing?”

Hermann frowns. “I couldn’t even tell you what that is.”

Newt can, though, and he’s going bright red as he looks at the page. “Fuck, man, it’s not - I got the list from online and I edited it and I thought I caught all the stuff that definitely doesn’t apply but that’s… I mean, unless you’re asking because you are?”

“No,” Tendo says, suppressing his laughter. “Decidedly not my thing.” He checks the rest of the list, grateful that they’ve stopped well before anything that might trigger him, then hands it back. “So that’s kind of where I stand, at least for now. I think - all the stuff leading up to the point where we actually start taking our clothes off is good with me.”

Hermann consults the list. “That said, I notice you crossed off  _stimulation of genitalia whilst fully clothed_ -“

Newt snorts. “It’s called dry humping, Herms.”

Tendo grins as Hermann’s ears go red. “Clinical,” he reminds Newt.

“You just don’t like being crude,” Newt teases back. 

“I leave that to you, darling.”

Tendo shakes his head at them. “You’re both adorable,” he says fondly. “And I crossed that out because it’s not something I’ve ever liked all that much. Unless, y’know, it’s something you two want, in which case -“

“If it’s something we want that you don’t,  _querido,_ we’ll just get it from each other.”

“Now  _there’s_ an image.”

Hermann taps the back of his hand. “Focus.”

“We’re talking sex, Hermann. I’m  _definitely_ focused. There’s only one way I could be  _more_ focused.”

Newt laughs as Hermann blushes. “I envy your skill of flustering him,” he says to Tendo, who smirks. “He got wise to my game years ago.”

“Years ago? You two weren’t… oh my god, did you try to  _turn him on_ in the lab to distract him?”

“Yeah,” Newt admits cheerfully. “Well, I mean, I just tried to get him worked up and off focus. It was never _actually_ with the intent of turning him on though -“

“But it did work that way.”

Newt stops and stares at Hermann. “Oh- _kay_ ,” he says after a minute. “We are going to have a long chat about that one some other time.”

“If you must,” Hermann sighs, but he’s smiling. “Back on topic. You were saying up to the removal of clothing?”

“Uh-huh. I’m not - I mean, I’m okay with taking my shirt off… and your shirts too. Definitely. And then after that, it’s gonna be playing it by ear. But I definitely like the idea of - of watching. And being watched. And hands and mouths are definitely something I’m into, as long as we take it slow. And… and there’s something else you should know that might help things along.”

“What’s that?”

“I’m, um… ridiculously sensitive. So - so I can come without being touched… I mean, you’ve gotta be touching me  _somewhere_ but not -“

“Well,” Hermann murmurs, a slow smile forming. It’s actually pretty seductive. “That’s a very interesting development indeed. And that would fall into my ‘domain’, as you put it, quite nicely. Newton is far more about getting on with things, preferring much more bodily contact and a faster pace -“

“But I  _can_ go slow,” Newt interjects. 

“Yes, love, you’re very good at pacing yourself for me, and I compromise accordingly by not putting you through something that would seem like torture to you. But now I wonder whether Tendo might be the type to enjoy a long session of nothing but light touches and a long slow build up.”

“Only if you can handle me begging.”

Hermann’s eyelids flutter a little at that. “That’s… definitely appealing.”

Newt’s watching the two of them, shaking his head, but in a good way. “Hermann gets worked up so nicely over words like that,” he tells Tendo. “If I want him to hurry up and stop working so we can go home, I just have to whisper what I’m gonna do to him in his ear and he loses all concentration.”

“Meanwhile, if it’s Newton, I just do this.”

Hermann grazes his fingers along Newt’s jaw and down his neck, and Tendo watches, fascinated, as Newt groans low in his throat and tilts into the hand. “No fucking  _fair_ ,” he says when Hermann moves away again. 

“So your neck is sensitive and you like being marked?” Tendo pretends to dwell on that. “I think there’s a logical conclusion in there somewhere.”

“Tease,” Newt mutters, then immediately catches himself. “Shit, no, I didn’t -“

“I know,” Tendo says calmly. “It’s okay. And I do plan on delivering on that someday. I can’t tell you when, but I can tell you I will.” He traces a finger up Newt’s arm, ghosting along the tattoos. “Though I don’t think I’d be able to leave much in the way of marks on your body. I’d have to work pretty hard to do anything that stayed… except here,” he adds as he lets his fingers drift over Newt’s shoulder to rest on his collarbone. “Right here. On the day it happens, this is going to be the first place I go for.” And he gently digs his thumb in, just enough to be felt. “Just like that.”

Newt’s breath catches in his throat. “Oh man,” he says quietly.

Tendo smiles and turns to Hermann. “As for you - you want slow? I’ll give you hours. I’ll tell you to explain your latest calculations and then I’ll see how long you can last without losing your focus. As for what I might be doing to distract you… that’s up to that imagination of yours to dwell on. And at the end of the day,  _mein Schatz,_  I think you’ll find that  _you’ll_ be the one begging  _me_.”

Hermann swallows hard. He doesn’t say a word.

Tendo makes a show of checking the time, then stands. “Well, I’m pretty done in, so I might call it a night. And since I can tell you two won’t be sleeping for awhile, I’ll just take the other room so you don’t wake me. But I’m sure you’ll be able to… keep each other warm. Goodnight.”

He leaves with stunned silence ringing in his ears, smiling to himself. Just because he isn’t ready to have sex doesn’t mean he can’t make a few promises, after all. 

***

The tone of this conversation is very different. 

“Where are your limits?”

He’s never felt quite this safe and protected before, both his partners curled around him, all their touches light and comforting and tender. And it makes it easier, much easier, and they know and that’s why they’re doing it, and Tendo swallows back his fear. “There’s the obvious,” he says, and they both nod, neither one expecting him to come right out and say it. “I don’t know how I’d be about being the one actually… well, giving. I mean, I’ve done it before, obviously, but…  _before_.”

“We’ll learn in time whether you can or can’t,” Newt says, stroking patterns down his arm. “What we need is what’s absolutely off the table, at least right now.”

Tendo nods. “Yeah, yeah okay. So - whatever it is we’re doing, I’m going to need to be able to see who I’m with. Faces. Nothing where I don’t know who’s there - if you’re both in the room, I need to see both of you. And… and at first, I don’t know if I’ll handle both of you in the room. The idea that someone’s watching or - or waiting for their turn, it’s -“

He hides his face in Hermann’s shoulder, trembling a little. “Shh, sweetheart, it’s okay,” Hermann murmurs. “I know this is painful, and I’m sorry, but you’re doing so well. We definitely won’t do that until you’re ready, if at all. Just because we’re a triad doesn’t mean we ever have to reach the point of all three of us together at the same time.”

“There are no rules here,” Newt says. “Only the ones we set, like what limits we don’t cross. We don’t expect anything of you other than what you already give - your love.”

“And you aren’t the only one with limits,” Hermann points out. “Yours are… vital, naturally, but Newton and I also have things that we are unwilling to do. Don’t feel that you are holding back on us and that we would do everything if we could.”

“What are yours?”

“No height jabs,” Newt says easily. “I don’t care outside the bedroom, but it’s a different story in there. And I get claustrophobic easily so I can’t be pinned down, which isn’t to say I have to top all the time, I just need to be able to move.”

“I won’t, quite naturally I believe, handle anything to do with age play, particularly anybody trying to be a father figure.” Tendo shudders and nods, not particularly into that himself. “And no dirty talk,” Hermann adds. “Considering I detest even speaking the words  _dirty talk_ , I think that’s quite clear.”

Tendo smiles at that. “Okay, that’s - all pretty interesting. And yeah, that does make me feel better. But when it comes to triggers, can I make a suggestion?”

“Absolutely.”

“It’s - it sounds way kinkier than it really is but… well, we could use a safe word?”

Newt’s nodding, and Hermann looks between them before shrugging. “I have no experience with it,” he says simply. “I know it is, like you said, usually more about the BDSM community and playing scenes, but I can certainly see that the premise would be the same - it’s about pushing a limit, correct?”

“Limits and triggers,” Newt says. “And since we know your panic attacks can hit hard and fast, I think we’ll want the non-verbal as well. But the important thing to remember is that these aren’t scenes where the word _stop_ can be ambiguous - if you say stop, we’ll stop.”

Tendo nods. “I still like the idea of a safe word,” he admits. “Just… just the concept of safe.”

“Then that’s what you’ll have,” Hermann says, then looks at Newt. “You mentioned a non-verbal?”

Tendo taps the back of his hand three times. “Tapping out,” he says, and Hermann nods his understanding. “That said, if I’m at the point where I’m panicking so much I can’t speak, I think you’ll see it. But it gives me the sense that I’ve got control.”

“You’ve played with this before, then?”

“Years ago, yeah. And, um, not with Newt, in case that’s what you were wondering.”

“That was my next question, yes,” Hermann says, smiling. “But now I’m wondering, because I know Newton has played with scenes before, and gravitated towards submission. When you did experiment, did you have a particular preference?”

“I was - yeah, a little bit more on the submissive side too, but I’m thinking that’s not really something I want to play around with anymore, or at least not now. Control. I need control.” He’s only realising it as he says it, realising how important that is. “That’s a definite limit thing - if I feel like I can’t get away, I’m going to flip out, I can’t handle the idea of not being in control -“

“And you are in control now, so breathe.”

Tendo realizes he’s been gearing himself up for a panic attack and stops, closing his eyes and calming himself back down. “Sorry,” he says once he feels like he’s back together. “Guess that one runs pretty deep.”

“It’s to be expected,” Newt says gently. “So lack of control is a hard limit. You need to see what’s happening and have the ability to take over or stop things the second it’s too much. You also don’t want anything to do with being… taken. Best word I could think of,” he adds apologetically, and Tendo squeezes his hand in reassurance. “Anything else?”

“Yeah, um. I don’t like silence. That’s something I’ve never been okay with. I want to be able to talk and know what’s good and have you do the same and… and sex is just another dialogue, y’know? It’s another way of communicating and I don’t want to isolate it from words. And I think if I can hear your voices, I’ll be able to stay focused on where we are and not fall into memories.”

Hermann nods, but Newt’s biting his lip. “That’s difficult for me,” he confesses. “I’m bad with my words anyway, and when it comes to sex I basically just lose my head and since Hermann hates dirty talk I just keep silent to avoid anything going wrong. I’m willing to try, but I’m afraid of what I might say without realising.”

“Well,” Tendo says with a smile, “as long as you use your lips for something productive, I think we’ll get by. I can compromise on that one.”

“You shouldn’t have to -“

“Oh no you don’t. I know you’re focusing on me a lot right now but this is just as equally about you two. I’ll respect your limits and boundaries just as much as you’ll respect mine. If it becomes a real issue, we’ll talk it out and figure out what to do, but for now it’s something we can easily work around. It’s not something I’m gonna have a panic attack over.”

“Since you’ve brought it up,” Hermann says, “how do you want panic attacks addressed if they happen?”

Tendo shrugs. “Same as ever? I mean, obviously, stop everything.”

“We’ll probably want a waiting period,” Newt suggests. “Twenty-four hours between, or at least nothing more that night. And before we do anything else, we’ll probably have to know what triggered it so it doesn’t happen again.”

“Yeah, but that’s gonna be difficult. It could be the most basic things, or something that I enjoyed once and then couldn’t handle the second time. There’ll be some things I’m sure that will come up and we’ll be able to rule them out completely, but others might just be touch and go.”

“We’ll take it as it comes. We’re all learning the dynamics of having three of us involved, nobody is any kind of expert. As long as we are all happy and comfortable with whatever results from these experiments, that’s what counts.”

Tendo kisses them each in turn, and they spend the rest of the evening in a simple comfort that means the world to them all. And Tendo knows that no matter what happens, no matter how much his past continues to limit his future, he is safe and loved.

And he’s ready to trust his partners with everything. 

***

And so they begin. 

They start slow. They’re already all pretty proficient with kissing, and it’s only natural to let their hands begin to wander, to begin undoing shirt buttons and removing layers. They keep hands strictly above the belt at first, but there’s a lot that can be touched above the belt and it’s good, it’s very good.

Just, not always. 

***

They know the safe word is a near certainty, but it’s still a bit of a shock the first time it happens. 

Like he’s warned them, it’s absolutely nothing triggering at all. One minute they’re kissing, hands working at shirt buttons and bow ties (something they’ve already done a handful of times with no adverse results), and the next second Tendo is pulling away, curled at the other side of the bed as far as he can get, shaking as his skin crawls with sudden memory. “ _Para,”_ he whispers, and keeps his eyes open, keeps focused on Newt so he can see that they were  _his_ hands touching him, not  _them_.  

He’s still aware enough to see Newt freeze up, uncertain, then catch himself. “Tendo, it’s Newt,” he says gently, and Tendo knows, he’s not that far gone, but appreciates it all the same. “You’re safe, we’ve stopped, it’s okay. Just breathe.”

Newt reaches over to the bedside table and knocks three times, loud enough for Hermann to hear. While they’re still doing this one at a time to get Tendo used to it, they want both of them here for situations like this, to prove that they both care, and Tendo appreciates it because this one isn’t too bad, this isn’t going to leave him on the ground flinching away from their touch, and so he wants them both. 

Hermann rushes in just as Tendo’s getting back in control. “Sorry,” he murmurs, and Newt shushes him. “I thought I’d be okay, dunno what happened.” 

He sniffs and wipes his hand roughly over his eyes and this is the worst part, the part where he just can’t quite control his tears. “It’s okay, honey,” Newt murmurs, and Tendo gives a small involuntary smile at the new name. “Can I - do you need your space?”

Tendo shakes his head and shuffles back so Newt can hug him. “I’m sorry,” Tendo says, muffled in his shoulder. “I’m sorry, I just -”

“Shh. It’s okay.”

“Is Hermann -?”

“I’m here.”

Tendo peels one arm away from Newt and holds it out, and Hermann quickly joins them. “Need you both,” he says. “Need to know - if I can’t… can’t  _ever_ -“

Because he knows, of course he does, but he needs to  _know_.

“We will love you no matter what,” Hermann says gently. “There are no conditions to that.”

Tendo shudders out a breath and clings to them both. He takes his time, takes lots of deep breaths and focuses on the warmth and security around him. Hermann’s murmuring comfortingly and Newt’s just holding him tight and…

And actually, it’s a little too tight.

“Okay,” Tendo says, pulling away a little as his focus shifts (and inadvertently calms him all the way down because focusing on somebody else’s pain is always going to do that). “Newt, what are you worrying about?”

Newt doesn’t look up. “Did I do something wrong?” he asks.

Tendo winces at the vulnerability, swaps a concerned look with Hermann, then gently cups Newt’s face between his palms, trying to gently urge him to look up. “Of course you didn’t,” he says. “Something about the way you were touching me made me hit a bit of a flashback but that wasn’t  _you_. And you can’t start going around thinking you can’t do anything that might cause me to remember, because you’d never be able to touch me again.”

“I just don’t want to hurt you.”

“Hey, no, none of that. Look at me, beautiful, please?” Newt does, and Tendo holds eye contact. “You weren’t the one who hurt me,” he says, making every word clear. “The three men who raped me were the ones who hurt me, and they wanted to hurt me permanently. They wanted to make it so I could never enjoy sex again, so I would be afraid of anybody touching me or being intimate with me. And if you start getting frightened off and if I let the fact that sometimes your touch can bring back memories scare me away, then  _they win._ And I’m not having that, no way in hell.”

“Beautifully put,” Hermann says softly. 

Newt nods his agreement, then leans in and kisses Tendo. It’s a little harsh, a bit possessive and needy, and Tendo is completely okay with it. “You know I worry,” Newt says apologetically. 

“I know, and I love you for it. Just don’t let it stop us, okay?”

“Okay.”

They spend the rest of the evening curled up on the couch watching  _Star Trek,_ with Hermann on his laptop bemoaning their choice but sneakily peering over his glasses at the television every so often. It’s a typical night. 

***

He taps out with Hermann, too far gone to make the syllables to make it stop. It hits hard and fast and it’s so easy to slip to the ground, to curl himself up in a ball as the fragments of memory attack him, try to draw him back and consume him. The part of his mind that’s still here can hear Hermann beside him, his words soothing and gentle, and then Newt’s there too and there’s a blanket around him and slowly  _slowly_ he fights it off. 

When he comes back to himself, dizzy and shaking and vaguely wanting to vomit, it’s just Hermann again. He knows where Newt is, can hear noises in the kitchen that indicate he’ll have his customary post-panic attack cup of tea any minute now, and smiles a little. “Can you tell him I’d like less than seventeen spoons of sugar this time?”

Hermann chuckles gently, but his eyes are still concerned. “That was quite a violent one, wasn’t it?” he asks, his tone free of judgement. “Was there something -?”

Tendo nods. “I know you - you need to keep checking in on me but when you asked…  _do you like that_ , I just -“

“That’s something that was said to you?” Tendo nods again. “Okay. It won’t happen again.”

“And it won’t come from me either,” Newt agrees as he returns, handing Tendo his mug and sitting down. “It’s got sixteen, don’t worry.”

Tendo smiles. “Thanks. And… and thank you. And… also, I’m sorry.”

“Don’t you dare,” Hermann says mildly. 

“Worth a try,” Tendo says with a shrug and sips at his tea. 

This time it’s quiz shows, with Hermann’s array of archaic knowledge definitely stealing the show. Newt just about falls off the couch when he shows up in a category of  _famous Newtons,_ and Tendo gets every single question on vintage fashion right. 

***

They have three more attempts, and each time results in some kind of safe word.

Tendo books another appointment with his psychiatrist. 

***

They take a week off and just focus on being comfortable and relaxed with one another. The last thing they want is for this to get between them, and so they spend evenings in relative contentment, except for the nights that they pull out the board games. Those generally end in bickering of some kind.

They haven’t given up, and Tendo knows Newt and Hermann talk about it sometimes when he’s not there, but he doesn’t mind. He’s talking it over with someone, after all, and a professional to boot. So if Newt and Hermann can think of anything they can do to help, then that’s pretty brilliant, and meanwhile Tendo will talk it out with somebody who’s trained to help him cope. He’s already beginning to get a few ideas of what might be causing the extreme level of panic, and hopefully he’ll be ready to talk about it with his partners soon. 

He does wonder, though, just what Newt and Hermann end up discussing, and one night, when Tendo wakes up after dozing off through an old documentary, he gets to find out. 

He’s slowly coming out of sleep, too tired and comfortable to move. He knows he’s on Hermann’s shoulder, Hermann stroking his back, and he can feel Newt on his other side. He can also hear them talking and he knows he should make his consciousness known, but for a second he just listens.

There are no secrets between them, after all.

“… don’t want to think he might not ever be able to enjoy sex,” Newt’s whispering. “This is Tendo. He used to love it.”

“I don’t think it’ll reach that point,” Hermann murmurs back. “It’s not that he doesn’t want to do things, there are just a few mental blocks. If he didn’t want it, he wouldn’t work so hard on pulling them down.”

“Yeah, I know. But I mean… I want him to have fun and enjoy it, but I don’t want it to be such a chore to try and get there that he loses interest. I want it to be natural.”

“Unfortunately, he experienced something very unnatural. There’s no right or wrong way for him to be feeling right now, and no way to tell what will come next. But the fact that he can still flirt and make innuendos and clearly  _want_ to be with us physically says a great deal for the ability for him to return to enjoying sex.”

Newt sighs. “I just want him to be happy.”

“So do I, love. And I know the panic attacks are hard but if he’s willing to endure them, then so are we.”

“Of course we are.”

“And I don’t need sex to be happy,” Tendo murmurs, and they both start. “I mean, it’s  _awesome_ , y’know, but even if I never get there, I’m happy being with you two. I’m working on pulling down those walls because I think there’s gonna be results, but if it doesn’t work out then I’m not going to mourn it. I’m happy. Don’t forget that, stop worrying about me, and let me go back to sleep.”

There’s a moment of silence, then Hermann chuckles. “You should go to bed,” he says. “You’ll hurt your back like that.”

“Don’t wanna move. Someone carry me.”

He’s just kidding around, knowing full well that Hermann’s leg and Newt’s height don’t really make that viable, so it’s a bit of a shock when Newt stands up and scoops Tendo up into his arms. His eyes fly open and he stares up at Newt, who grins. “Didn’t expect that, huh?”

“But you’re shorter than me, man. How?”

“The power of love.”

Tendo groans and wraps his arms around Newt’s neck. “ _Corny_ , Newt.”

“Yeah yeah. You love it.”

“I love  _you_ ,” Tendo says as Newt puts him on the bed. “And I promise, I want to be with you. You have no idea how much.”

Newt crouches next to the bed and kisses him gently. “I believe you,” he says. “You know what I’m like with worrying, but Hermann made it clear that everything’s okay.”

Tendo nods. “I’m working on it. I think I’m getting closer.”

The lights go off in the living room, and then Hermann’s shadowy form enters the room. “Take your time,” he says, Newt sliding into bed next to Tendo as Hermann makes his way to the other side. “We’re not going anywhere.”

“You’d better not.”

He falls asleep in a cocoon of warmth and safety. 

***

It’s at the end of the week that Tendo and his psychiatrist make a breakthrough. 

Thank god it’s not the painful type like in the first few weeks, that had left him red eyed and exhausted when he got home. Instead, Tendo returns to the house in quiet contemplation and Hermann and Newt, now experts at reading him, leave him to himself to think for awhile. He goes into the bedroom, sits on the end of the bed, and ponders over where the latest revelation leaves him - and how to put it to his partners.

In the end, of course it’s just plain honesty. 

“I think I know why I’ve been panicking so much,” Tendo says as he emerges from the bedroom.

He gets their undivided attention. “Is it something you’re okay to share?” Newt asks. 

Tendo nods and sits down across from them. “Yeah. I think it’s just - the focus has been all on me. It’s been about trying to make me feel good and… and it’s a bit too much. There’s too much pressure, and I know you don’t intend it that way, but that’s just how it ends up feeling.”

“So what can we do to make that better?”

Tendo takes a deep breath. “I want to be the one making you two feel good instead,” he says in a rush. “I want to - because we’ve never quite made it to the point where anybody  _does_ , and I think it’d probably make me feel heaps better about things if I could give you two mind-blowing orgasms. Or any kind, really.”

“But you wouldn’t want it reciprocated?” Hermann asks, frowning. “At all?”

“I would rather go into it thinking that it’s not going to, because again that puts pressure on me to… well,  _perform._ If it were to happen naturally, hey, awesome, but I want to break this down into stages even more. Let me focus on each of you in turn, build my confidence back up that yeah, I can do sex and it is fun and wonderful and all of those good things, and then we’ll go from there. Is that something you think we could do?”

Hermann and Newt look at each other, then they both nod. “If that’s what’ll help, definitely,” Newt says. “I mean, you definitely  _do_ give mind-blowing orgasms, or at least you did that one time when the heating went out.”

Tendo smirks at the memory. “That was a particularly good night,” he admits. 

Hermann rolls his eyes fondly. “I look forward to it. As long as you are very clear about your own needs during the process - if something changes, if you do require something that you thought you didn’t, make sure we know.”

“Yeah, of course. Same as always. And maybe after I’ve tried that, I can watch the two of you?”

Another look between Newt and Hermann, this time with a hint of desire. “Absolutely.”

Tendo grins, and moves over to sit between them. “I think this is gonna go well,” he says. “Newt does say you’re exceptionally good-looking in the throes of pleasure, I can’t wait to see it.” 

Hermann chokes over his words, tries to stammer out a reply, and fails. Tendo just smiles in smug satisfaction. 

“Besides,” he adds. “I have some promises to keep.”

***

And keep them he does.

He spends an hour in bed with Hermann, learning how to touch him and what to say and where to kiss him to make him go to pieces. It’s all, as Hermann promised, soft touches and words and slowly building up the intensity, and because Tendo’s already said he isn’t doing it for his own pleasure there’s no worry about not getting there, and in the end he doesn’t but Hermann does and it’s one of the most perfect images Tendo has ever seen. 

He marks Newt, draws the blood up in his neck and leaves bite marks down his chest and arms and has Newt whimpering and fisting his sheets in the blankets and begging to be touched. And because Tendo’s feeling pretty bold he does it and it shocks them both because they had agreed beforehand that they weren’t actually going to go to this stage this time and okay,  _they_ don’t, Tendo doesn’t let Newt return the favour, disappears into the bathroom instead, but when he returns he’s got a boneless and utterly content Newt waiting to cuddle with him and that’s pretty damn good. 

(Hermann sees some of the marks later, the ones high up on his neck that haven’t faded into the tattoos, and shakes his head. But Tendo sees him run a finger across one of them in an altogether possessive way, and realizes that it’s not just possessiveness of the man who’s been marked but of the one who marked him too.)

He watches Hermann and Newt, watches the way their bodies look so good together, the way they know how to read one another and what comes next. He can’t watch certain things just yet, but there’s a lot they can do anyway and Tendo sees it all and doesn’t join in but he knows one day he will. He knows it. 

***

“Next stage?”

Tendo shrugs. “Suggestions?”

“Show us?”

He considers it for a minute, then nods. “Okay.”

***

He can’t look the first time he’s being watched, but Newt’s right there, where Tendo can see him, and he’s got a gentle hand on his shoulder and Tendo isn’t bold about it and it’s not exactly him putting on a show but hell, he  _does it._ But more importantly he sees the reaction he gets from Newt and he knows that it’s not just want, it’s  _love_. It’s the fact that he’s letting Newt see something so intimate, allowing this, and consent is beautiful and  _sexy_ and Tendo’s never appreciated that as much as he does now. 

Hermann doesn’t just watch - he touches, kissing Tendo with soft fingertips roaming across his upper body and even with his eyes closed as he nears the point of no return, Tendo doesn’t hit any flashbacks, doesn’t forget where he is or who Hermann is. He stays connected to himself, to Hermann, and Hermann kisses him harder than usual when he comes, but is so beautifully gentle afterwards and Tendo loves him, loves all of it. 

***

And with that, he knows he’s there. He knows he can do it. 

***

So finally, one afternoon with the sun streaming in and bodies curled together and eyes locked and Newt’s touches sending fire through his body, Tendo falls apart in the right way. And yeah, okay, he cries afterwards but it’s  _relief_. It’s a huge achievement, it’s beautiful and Newt spends the rest of the evening as close to him as possible, gentle touches and kisses and Tendo’s just so content and he knows without a doubt that this is what he wants. He wants this and more. So much more. 

Hermann’s away for a few days, but it only takes a few moments after he’s walked in the door and greeted both of his partners before he frowns at Tendo. “Something’s different,” he says, and Newt grins. “Something good… oh. Oh my. Did you -?”

“We sure did,” Newt says happily.

Hermann  _beams_ and hugs Tendo again. He’s murmuring beautiful words about how proud he is and how happy Tendo looks, and Tendo just smiles and waits it out before whispering, “And guess what? You’re next.”

Hermann pulls back, looks at him, then, instead of being flustered as intended, kisses Tendo hard. Tendo shrugs and goes with it because hey, they’re all changing after all. 

**Author's Note:**

> Is now the time to point out the obvious that I really struggle to write sex? 
> 
> Title once again from "Starry Eyed".


End file.
